When You Know the Person You Want to Spend the Rest of Your Life With

When You Know the Person You Want to Spend the Rest of Your Life With

 

The story is a Lament.

It is a lament that stems from heartbreak. It is a lament that applies to most humans for most of their lives. The lament is mine, but I know it could be so much worse, as my only adversary is life. Just that. Not death or dismemberment. Just life itself.

The lament would be more excruciating for she who has been widowed after fifty-three blissful years together, or for he who is in love with his partner and yet feels bafflingly, awesomely alone in his marital bed, long frozen over.

I am just a poor soul who has met the man she wants to make a life with. But cannot.

I left my marriage five years ago.

For the twenty years prior, I had called that man my soulmate. I told him repeatedly that he was the one with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. It would seem then that I would be wise enough to doubt this feeling when it arises me again. But no; I am certain. This one, this new infatuation with this new love object — this one will last forever. Forever.

But that too, as the Greeks knew so well, is the stinging pierce of of love’s blade. Its attendant illusion of eternity.

Is it not the most often miscalculation of the human mind, confusing intensity with duration?

But the feelings persist…

After two wild poly years of dating, after too many one-night stands, so many first kisses and a fair share of dates that ended within 30 minutes with me saying “thank you but no thank you,” on one average fall day, someone totally different walked through my front door.

It is too trite and too cliché to say what I felt then was love at first sight. A divorced mother of two, I was too full-grown for that.

What I will say instead is that I recognized him immediately.

He looked and felt just as I always knew my love would look and feel. It was something about the twinkle in his eye, the shape of his frame, the particular feel of his strong hands. This was it.

He has driven me crazy in myriad ways over the years I’ve loved him since. I now know better than I might like how far from perfect he is — that he has been burned by life and closed the doors of his hearts in response. In that we are in middle-age, he is too busy, too stressed, too distracted.

But I love him still…

The single prerequisite for leaving a bad marriage, for facing, traversing and enduring divorce, is bravery. Most will tell you it is money, but they are wrong. It is better to be broke and free than a rich caged bird. But if you are not brave, you will not make it.

I am so tired of being brave.

After five years of cold sheets and relentless bravery, all I want now is to curl up naked in the arms of my beloved each night. The fantasy of that feeling is warm enough to power me through my long days as I work to support myself and my children.

I want it so badly.

I think actually, he wants it too. Just not enough.

If this lament is even more powerful when uttered by those who have loved and lost, I must acknowledge the curse of those who have never loved at all.

The world is full of love unrequited.

Thank God, that is not exactly where I find myself. Still, I find myself loving a man who very simply cannot share my bed each night, wants to, but not enough to move the mountains one would need to move for us to enjoy that tender nakedness at the end of our days.

All I have instead, is my longing.

This longing has become my best friend and my worst enemy, my most constant companion. It is ever present. I spent hours of each day explaining to myself how I simply must exile it. And when it fades away enough, such that I forget him, I find myself calling it back again by my side, as any companion is better than none at all.

This post was previously published on Sarenity.

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The post When You Know the Person You Want to Spend the Rest of Your Life With appeared first on The Good Men Project.

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